Trigger Warning: domestic violence, death threats, murder.

“He was just blowing off steam. He didn’t really mean it, right?”

I wonder how many women murdered by their partners asked that same question when the person they love started threatening to end their lives.

I know some did.
They did every time their partner flew into an uncontrollable rage and detailed their fantasy of killing them.

Sometimes they tell us it’s coming.
Maybe, when they do, it’s an “excited utterance,” a Freudian slip.
Maybe it’s some kind of twisted warning that springs from their conscience, designed to make us flee, removing the temptation.

Whatever it is, once those words are spoken, the levee breaks.
As they become more entrenched in the fantasy of erasing us,
they discard their usual tactics. They replace the familiar insults and vitriol with threats of bodily harm and death, each time delivered with more contempt and hatred than the last. Even the smallest of perceived infractions, inconveniences, or disappointments can unleash it.

Later, they’ll act like it never happened.
There’ll be sweet texts or flowers.
Maybe they’ll even do the dishes.
Then, it will happen again.

Still, we ask, “But does he really mean it?”

Why are we wired to keep giving them the benefit of the fucking doubt?

Those aren’t dice I intend on rolling.

I don’t want the cause of death on my autopsy report to read “blunt force trauma to the head and face.”

At least, that’s what I think the coroner writes if I’m “bludgeoned until my face caves in.” Right?

But maybe he doesn’t mean it.

🖤-C

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic/intimate partner abuse, use a safe computer and visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help, text START to 88788 or give them a call at 1–800–799–SAFE (7233)
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
You are not alone.

An earlier version of this piece can be found HERE.